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The Brutal Murders in my Las Vegas Hotel Room

2009-11-19T01:51:53Z

I am currently in Las Vegas attending the G2E (Global Gaming Expo) with The Danger Committee. We have a booth on the trade show floor, and we perform in the closing slot of the Variety Stage Showcase tomorrow afternoon. I am currently enjoying a little down time before heading off to see Penn & Teller at the Rio, so I thought I would post something for the first time since being trapped in New Jersey. Below are some of my Sin City adventures:

- I am staying at The Sahara because it is conveniently located on the monorail line just two stops from the Las Vegas Convention Center and because I got a room here for a little over $18 a night. That is not a typo. I am staying here for three days for less than $60. I have had overdue library book fees that have cost me more than a three day stay in this hotel. There was a time when The Sahara represented the height of class and sophistication in Vegas. That time has passed.

- Judging by the stains on the carpet, there have been at least eight brutal murders in my room. At least two of the victims put up a hell of fight. Based on having watched almost two full episodes of Dexter and CSI, I am assuming that the murder weapons included three knives, a 9mm pistol, a Louisville Slugger baseball bat, a well-trained lobster, some sort of Amish threshing device, and--strangely--the bathtub.

- The murder involving the 9mm obviously started near the door. Judging by the forensic evidence I have observed, the victim opened the door to let in a guest. The guest then quickly shot the victim twice. The victim crawled away and cowered under the air conditioner. It was here that the killer then shot the victim two more times, then pistol-whipped the victim repeatedly, then shot the victim eight more times. After this, the killer reloaded and shot the victim twelve more times. The killer then danced in the blood and escaped out the window.

- After escaping out the window, the killer climbed down the side of the building, re-entered through the casino, came back to the room, and shot the victim twelve more times. Again, I'm just guessing here, but if you saw the patterns, you'd agree.

- The buffet at The Sahara was specifically designed by culinary masters to make even the most stalwart glutton hate the very idea of food. Nevertheless, the Rascal-riding slopmongers circling the steam tables like a Shriners parade of low life-expectancy indicate that those culinary masters have failed.

- Sirens, the show that takes place in Buccaneer Bay in front of TI (the trendy re-branding of Treasure Island), is a mockery of the very concept of art. It is not so much an utter failure as it is a testament to what occurs when a committee of people dedicate themselves to creating something purposefully banal for the mass consumption of a theoretical and stereotypical America. The America has become a self-fulfilling prophecy as result of this committee's dazzling succailure. (I just made that word up, and I'm going to use it a lot.)

- The buffet at TI was more artistically valid than Sirens.

- Everything in Las Vegas is exactly eight miles further away than it looks.

- Europeans do not care if you are protesting smoking in casinos. They will continue to smoke, have their pictures taken in front of your protest signs, then contract lung cancer as you're watching just to prove a point.

- Every single thing in Vegas has been voted the best at whatever it is by somebody.

- Cirque de Soleil's recorded advertisement on the monorail queries, "When was the last time you believed anything was possible?" The wording and the delivery ended up making it mean exactly the opposite of what they intended. I know Cirque is emo, but come on.

- For being a town predicated on late night partying, there is a lot of stuff here that wusses out and closes at nine. I'm looking at you, Quizno's.

Hopefully, I will survive the next twenty-four hours. Then, it's off to the bright lights and pulsing nightlife that is...Colubus, Ohio. My life is glamorous.

Escape From New Jersey

2009-10-15T21:35:22Z

I am currently trapped in New Jersey. My flight is seriously delayed. It is raining, which is apparently kryptonite to Delta Airlines.

I have spent about the last twenty-four hours in New York City. During that time a lot has happened.

- I said hello to Al Roker, who is much shorter than I expected.

- I said hello to Meredith Vieira, who is much more leathery than I expected.

- I saw Tina Fey, who was much more on the other side of a plate-glass window than I expected.

- I met Denis Leary, who is much taller than I expected.

- I met the Naked Cowboy, who was exactly as naked as I expected.

- I was walking late at night near Times Square and came across a man using a payphone, which is a rare sight nowadays. As I got closer I saw that the receiver was resting on the man's shoulder, and he was holding it in place with his ear. I then heard the sound of running water. At that point, I realized the guy was just pretending to make a call in order to cover the fact that he was publicly urinating on a phone. The most disturbing part of all this is how smoothly and decisively he did this--as if it were act he was very, very familiar with. Never, ever use a payphone. Also, never, ever check the coin return slot for change (that was where he was aiming), because there is no amount of Purell that could possibly reverse those charges.

- I had brief but interesting conversations with a Vietnam Vet, a pre-operative transexual, and a very angry man who had painted himself silver.

- I saw a guy dressed as a chicken posing for pictures with what I believed to be someone dressed as an over-sexualized version of Laura Ingalls Wilder.

- I came back to my hotel room to find a panicked housekeeper trying to find "where the burning smell was coming from." Apparently, it was my room's heater. The repairman reassured me it was fine. Either he was able to instantly fix whatever problem was contributing to signs of combustion, or he simply made peace with my potential death.

I may make it home tonight. I may not. This is my life.

Never use a payphone. Whether it's soaked in urine or Tyler Durden is on the other end of the line, it's just not worth the risk.

Good night from New Jersey.

Unexpectedly Bad-Ass Animals Pt. 2

2009-09-17T02:00:07Z

By popular demand, here are more examples of unexpectedly bad-ass animals:

Central Plains Chicken Borg

Telekinetic Cat

Mississipi Laser Possum

West Virginia Prom Cock (Pictured with Tiffany, Rhonda and Harold)

Ukrainian Rocket Rabbit

Victorian Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor Chicken (Pictured with Teddy Roosevelt, Age 3)

Canadian Tai-Chi Bear

West African Nunchuckens

Alabama Boneless Roof Cat

Julia Roberts

Unexpectedly Bad-Ass Animals

2009-08-06T01:33:24Z

Here are some animals that are incredibly bad-ass, although you might not know by looking at them:

The carnivorous Devil Goat of the African savannah.

The Rocky Mountain Kung-Fu Hawk.

The baby-stealing Dingaroo.

The highly explosive Prussian Artillery Cat (extinct).

The dreaded Asian Piranha Pigs.

The wily MMA Cat, known for its German Suplex.

The Magnum-Tailed Sniper Squirrel.

The Suicidally Nihilistic Goth Bird.

The North American Dove-Eating Monster Bride.

The Crotch-Headed Vaginaraptor.

The Eastern Detroit Zombie Kitten.

The Mormon Table Bear.

I hope you have enjoyed this little lesson in zoology. If you did, please share, Stumble, Digg, Tweet or whatever it is you kids do nowadays.

The Reason the Internet was Created

2009-08-03T15:08:31Z

Pictures like this are the reason the internet was created. Wilt Chamberlain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Andre the Giant. The Trifecta. The Trinity. The Triumvirate.

OCD/Physics: 1, Caleb: 0

2009-08-01T05:51:18Z

I travel a lot, and I have some borderline obsessive tendencies. In addition to these facts, I also hate the idea of wasting anything. As a result, I have spent much of the last five years taking as many bars of soap and tiny bottles of shampoo, conditioner and mouth wash as possible from hotels across three different continents. I actually stopped this practice some time ago, as my home was being overrun by toiletries. Also, I didn't want to graduate to hoarding bottles of my own urine in meticulously labeled jars arranged chronologically.

In the past I have given these sundries to homeless shelters and food shelf operations, but I still had a couple of boxes worth at my house. I decided to take them to work and let my coworkers plunder the hygienic bounty. I threw it all in a large sack, dropped the sack in the back seat of my car, and set off for The Brave New Workshop.

As fate would have it, I got cut off by a car not more than a few blocks from my house, and I was forced to slam on my brakes. The law of inertia greeted me with an explosion of floral scented pummeling as bars of soap and tiny bottles slammed into the back of my head and rained over my dashboard and interior. It was like Crabtree and/or Evelyn had puked on the back of my neck.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Jon Gosselin Seeks Reality Show Deal with Lohan, Satan

2009-07-31T21:23:42Z

Jon Gosselin, attempting to pitch two coeds a new show entitled "Who's Your Daddy?"

Jon Gosselin, who is developing a reality show with Michael Lohan entitled Divorced Dads Club, has attracted the attention of Satan. "It's a rare opportunity when you get a chance to collaborate with two people whose work I admire so much," offered Satan, taking time off from a busy schedule of dealing with the rush of recently deceased celebrities. "I've spent the better part of my life trying to corrupt youth, and these two guys are doing it wholesale."

Jon Gosselin has risen to the national spotlight as a result of fathering a litter, while Michael Lohan has conceived more train wrecks than Amtrak. When asked if daughter Lindsay would be involved, Lohan responded, "John has expressed interest in Lindsay being involved in any way possible. I can't see how that could be a bad idea." Lohan immediately followed this statement by attempting to have sexual intercourse with a flaming hornets nest.

Lindsay Lohan, product of exemplary parenting and Walt Disney Studios.

Satan hopes to reach a deal soon before his chief rival, Kate Gosselin, is able to get involved in negotiations.

Why We Need Healthcare Reform

2009-07-29T22:23:34Z

Sad. Just Sad.

Epic Pick Up Fail

2009-07-29T14:44:02Z

I found this napkin with the pick up line and phone number scrawled on it at The Brave New Workshop some time ago. It had been discarded--imagine that--on the floor. You can see why:

Tonight, David sleeps alone...

This is either the worst line or the best insult ever. I'm really not sure which. Godspeed, David. Godspeed.

Site News #6

2009-07-29T03:27:05Z

Greetings, loyal readers and casual surfers. The site has undergone some interesting changes recently. You'll see I've revamped the layout and menus, and I think it makes getting around a little easier. Also, traffic has surged in the last week, and I'm now getting more visitors in a day than I used to get in a week. Thank you to everyone who has helped make that possible, and continue to spread the word!

And now it's time for this week's round of bizarre search queries that led people to this page. As always, spellings and punctuation have been left exactly as the searchers typed. I have linked the phrases to their landing pages:

- riding a moose

- ridinga a moose

- where is karl malden buried?

- Mathemagicians + "North Korea"

- restoration hardware family puppet

Believe it or not, two different people entered the exact same phrases on both the Karl Malden and North Korea queries. The "mathemagicians" bit is wildly coincidental, as I did not realize that was an actual thing when I wrote the joke using the phrase, and apparently there are two people out there who are either looking to pay their respects to a great actor or steal his corpse. The award for specificity goes to the Restoration Hardware search--the person who entered that phrase either found exactly what they were looking for or the exact opposite. And finally, I love that I still get several visitors a week from variations on "riding a moose."

On top of all this, I received over 600 visitors to my Questions Jon and Kate Still Haven't Answered post via Google Image Search. I did the post quite some time ago, but apparently Jon Gosselin and his new girlfriend being in the headlines made it popular once again. I've always been ahead of my time.

I hope the site continues to entertain. If it does, please share it with your friends, Digg It, Thumb it Up on StumbleUpon.com, Tweet it, or whatever it is the kids are doing nowadays.