Open Letter to the Guy In Front of Me at Chipotle

Dear guy in front of me at Chipotle,

There is absolutely no need for you to attempt to order in Spanish.  Yes, we're all impressed with your sterile, Epcot center-esque approach to multi-culturalism, but let's face it, authentic Mexican restaurants do not accept orders by fax.  As a guy who does not speak Spanish but has experienced Mexico up-close and personal, let me be the first to tell you that your attempts to flash your Hispanicred would result in your nearly instant pinatatization by our South-of-the-border brethren.  

And don't get your skinny jeans in a bunch claiming that you're just trying to "communicate."  Verbal communication is irrelevant, because Chipotle is one of the few places you can order just by pointing.  It's like a more visceral Denny's.  And don't try to say that you're trying to connect with the Latino workers behind the counter by making them feel more comfortable--remember, they left their home country on purpose.  They actively chose to be surrounded by English speaking people such as yourself.  Besides, if they wanted to hear Spanish spoken poorly by a white guy who's half their age, they could just listen to their manager.  

Sincerely, 

The guy behind you at Chipotle