CalebMcEwen.com

Last night, Jon and Kate Gosselin ended speculation by announcing they were filing for divorce.  Of course, they did this on a reality TV show while complaining about their loss of privacy.  While this answered the main question on the minds of many people, there are still some lingering mysteries that need to be resolved.

1.  In last night's "announcement" episode, did Kate's PR Rep feed dialogue through an ear prompter, or simply shove his hand up her backside and use her like a ventriloquist's dummy?

Let's be clear here, the real Kate Gosselin has left the building.  She has never spoken or behaved in any way even remotely akin to the dog and pony show she put on last night.  Suddenly, she was Saint Katherine, and Jon was a rage-fueled rebel without a testicle.  Don't be fooled.  The best indicator of future performance is past performance, and that means she will soon be back to ruining lives in bulk.

2.  If I sire eight children in an affront to nature, will I be able to pick up chicks as easily as the doll-haired Jon Gosselin?

"Our turn-ons include long walks on the beach and hen-pecked, dead-eyed beta males."

No man who looks like this should be able to get this much play.  Not only that, but he has proven his lack of virility by needing science to create his unholy spawn.  So, either having eight kids is hot, or chicks dig impotent rage.

3.  Jon - (Kate + 8) = X      If (Jon + Kate) + 8 = Misery, then solve for X.  Show your work.

I'm betting the answer is Alcoholism and a Venereal Disease to the power of Irrelevance.

4.  WTF?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaah! Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaah!

Seriously, WTF?

5.  In order to kill Kate, would you need to shoot her with a silver bullet or simply drop her in the lava of Mount Doom?

Kate Gosselin opens wide to swallow your soul. This is the question everyone needs to be asking.  We all know she has littered a brood in order to feast on their souls (thus becoming not just evil but eternal evil), but can she be stopped before the great conjunction?  Do the prophecies tell us of a way to snuff out the Flame of Mammon before the streets run red with blood of the non-believers?  Remember:

One womb to rule them all, one womb to birth them,

One womb to bear the seeds and wickedly unearth them,

In the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.

Some have suggested we have to trick her into saying her own name backwards, but if there were ever a woman who has said "take," it is certainly her.  Others have stated that her evil powers lie in her hair, and the only way to put her down is a perm and color with a Holy Water rinse.  Still others believe she must be burned alive over a basket of cats.  Whatever the answer, somebody needs to Frodo up and put her down.