5 Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

The world is coming to an end, and I can prove it.  I've seen the signs...

5. Winnie Cooper Got Married

Revelations 8: 12-16

And lo upon the breaking of the first seal there appeared a young maiden, and though her eyes were wide set as if fleeing from each other, and though her forehead was in the counting a five head, for it was as the bumper of a Chevy, still did she stir the hearts of young men. But there arose from the assembled a great and disappointed groan, for the angel said unto them that she was betrothed. And the men did gnash their teeth and weep as small girls while furiously journaling in a third person omniscient style..Officially unavailable. Also, out of your league anyway..

On March 22^nd, 2009, Danicka McKellar brutally murdered the childhoods of nearly every man who grew up in the 1980s when she married some goofy looking guy no one had ever heard of. At the precise moment she said “I do,” somewhere Fred Savage had a massive aneurysm. As she once again entered the eye of the mainstream media because of this “blessed” event, we were reminded of the fact that almost every guy we knew had a secret crush on Winnie Cooper. She was the Princess Leia of the 1980s, only she was more approachable because she wasn’t royalty—and she was on earth. America’s girl next door had grown up to be a math genius and all-around poised young woman, which was exactly as we had envisioned it. Unfortunately, she had married someone else, and that deviated from our plan.

Also, it got worse when we found out she grew up to look like this:

4. Pigs have Finally Figured Out How to Kill Us

Revelations 12: 3-9

And there arose in the earth a great rumbling as the advance of many soldiers, and they did look to the horizon in fear. And there appeared a fleshy, pink firmament of squealing vengeance that approached as crashing waves of gnashing teeth. And a man did step forward from the crowd and proclaim to the charging host, “Hold thy hooves, future-bacon! What dost thou want of us?!” And the fleshy wave did halt, and did not advance, and did not attack. And there was no ripping of flesh by tusk, nor trampling of hoof, nor the letting of blood in any manner. And instead, the assembled swine-spawn stood stock still, and did ominously cough...

I will destroy you all.There had to be an inevitable back lash to Chili’s “I want my baby back bay back baby back baby back ribs” campaign, and this is it. We are Farmer Hoggett, and we are dancing frantically as Babe laughs maniacally. And of course it’s centered in Mexico, a country that is already so unpopular that its inhabitants are fleeing to America across rivers and barbed wire fences. Add to that the fact that now scientists fear that swine flu and bird flu could combine to form a mutated super-flu, and Armageddon seems a foregone conclusion—ironically not when pigs can fly, but because of a pig flu.

3. Pirates

Revelations 15: 22-26

And there appeared before the assembled a waifish she-man, and he did flounce in the garb of renaissance festival degenerates. And though his machinations were ridiculous and his accent erratic, and I'm a pirate...with a secret.though his actions were based on the most disappointing of all amusement park rides, he did please the masses such that some did raise their fists and cry to the heavens, “Aaargh!” And there were those in the crowd who were sore afraid, and others among them comforted them by saying, “Fear not, for Kathie Lee, the animated corpse, shall protect us with her banshee-wail.” But this offered no comfort.

Pirates. WTF? Seriously, I have to worry about this now? When I was kid, my favorite book was called The Damp and Daffy Doings of a Daring Pirate Ship. It was a picture book, because I was very dumb. The pirates in it were non-threatening and (for a three year-old) hilarious. Apparently these pirates have never read that book. So much for the booming Somali tourist industry.

2. A Florida Priest Was Defrocked after Published Photos Showed him Shirtless in the Arms of a Woman on the Beach

Revelations 19: 32-36

And there appeared a young maiden, and she did hear a booming voice. And she was sore afraid and fell to the ground, and cry, “Oh Lord! Is this thy voice I hear, for I am unworthy!” And there was then another voice behind her, and it was a priest, and he did say unto her, “Be not afraid, for it is not the voice of thy Lord, but of Barry White. Listen to his words and act accordingly. Also, I have made you a margarita.” And the maiden was no longer afraid, but instead drunk, and she did agree to one of the priest’s “patented” backrubs...

If Ben Affleck devoted his life to God instead of mediocrity.

I love that the Catholic Church can turn a blind eye to decades of boy-bothering, but one hot, Latino priest hugs a consenting adult woman in a bikini and all hell breaks loose. Apparently this priest is known “Father Oprah.” I know this because every news outlet mentions this in their coverage. However, none of them can tell me why he is called this. Does he hide iPods under the pews? Does he have a book club that only endorses the bible? Does his weight fluctuate wildly? Also, does anyone else find it weird that the church’s reaction to shirtless pictures of a priest is to immediately “defrock” him? The end times are near.

1. This: