Things I Learned Watching Star Trek

Today, I went to the movies with my wife, Katy--something we rarely have a chance to do--to celebrate her birthday (which I will miss while I am on the road).  We went to see Star Trek, as I am always late to the party.  Seeing this movie three weeks after it opened meant that the theatre would be filled with either, a) people who had no real investment in the Star Trek mythos, or b) hardcore geeks who will go to see the movie every weekend from now until the end of time.  Judging by the number and intensity of nerdgasms occurring around me every time something even remotely obscure from the original series was referenced, there were at least as many of the latter as the former.  Seriously, I was going to roll in a grenade and let God sort them out if I heard one more person needlessly turn to his disinterested girlfriend and excitedly lisp, "That's Spock!"

Here are some things I learned about the future from watching this movie:

1.  Ugly People have been Eliminated

Thank.  God.  Finally, whether by eugenics, selective breeding, natural selection, genetic engineering, or simply sending them to "live on a farm," the unattractive are conspicuously absent.  To find someone who is truly aesthetically displeasing, you will have to go to another planet, and, apparently destroy it.  Even Iowa, geographic center of horse-faced homeliness, is shown to be a veritable Midwestern Studio 54 populated by a mix of Eastern European supermodels and the cast of Bally's Fitness commercials.  If that's what Iowa looks like, you can imagine what Miami looks like.

2.  Even in the Future, Certain Things have Not Yet Been Invented

Among these things:

a.  Pants for women

b.  Seatbelts

c.  Solid explanations for the ramifications of time travel

d.  Steady camera tripods

3.  Robots are Still Underutilized

I would have thought that by this point in the future, even acting would be handled by sentient androids.  The only thing I can think of is that the cyborgs were not attractive enough, and there were therefore eliminated.

4.  Even When they are Just Talking to Each Other, All Aliens Speak English

"For the last time! The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain!"Go to Vulcan, crash a meeting of the council responsible for maintaining Vulcan culture, and they're speaking English.  If you were a fly on the wall on a mining ship completely crewed by rogue Romulans who have sworn to eradicate all evidence of human existence, and they're speaking English.  Yet here I am on Earth, and I can't call a customer service line and find a single person that speaks English as a first language.

Strangely, the only person in the whole movie who apparently doesn't speak English as a first language is the guy from Earth who is charged with making the announcements on the ship that launched from Iowa.

5.  No Matter what He Does, John Cho Will Always be Referred to as "That Guy Who Played Harold"

You know you do it, too.