I Miss Violent Cartoons

There was a time when men were men and cats and mice were mortal enemies.  What would begin as a rodent trying his best to secure a turkey leg would eventually degenerate into a dance of death involving knives, muskets and the most dangerous yet inconvenient of all weapons, the anvil.  Bugs Bunny would regularly find himself staring down the barrel of a shotgun, Tom and Jerry did everything short of disemboweling each other, and even the Smurfs lived under the constant threat of being eaten alive by a crazed, dress-wearing hermit.  Kids were tougher back then, and seeing a pig shoot a duck with a cannon didn't immediately lead to them trying the same thing at home.

My favorite cartoon of all time was Tom and Jerry.  If you have a few minutes, check out the episode below.  It's cute, historical, and deadly.  Just for fun, count the stabbings.  If you can't sit through the whole thing, then skip to the 6:15 mark and watch a swordfight, cannon-blasting, and death by beheading.  That's right, this cartoon aactually ends with an execution...

NOTE:  The YouTube video I had posted has been removed due to a copyright claim.

If this cartoon were released today, it would win an Independent Spirit Award.

I saw this cartoon many times as a child, and I have never beheaded anyone.  However, watching thirty seconds of Dora the Explorer makes me want stab small brunette girls in the face and punch them in the neck until they die.  I'm serious.  You've watched the cartoon above, now watch the cartoon below and tell me which is more likely to make you kill someone...

NOTE:  The YouTube video I had posted has been removed due to a copyright claim.

I have often said that people are religious not because they take comfort in the idea that they will go to heaven, but rather that others will go to hell.  If you are religious at all, then you must know in your heart that someone will burn for all eternity for writing that map song.

Also, why is Dora always screaming?  This child has set race relations back a decade by convincing children across the country that young latinas are shrill, redundant pedagogs that consort with monkeys.  Let's all pray that one of these days Swiper realizes he is a predator and cowboys up enough to do what needs to be done.  If Jerry were in this cartoon, Dora would have that backpack shoved down her throat, that map would be burned, and all of those stars would have collapsed in on themsleves to form black holes.  Dora, Boots and everyone else would be trapped for all eternity being pulled into an event horizon they would never reach, and for once their screaming would stop.  Diego could not save her, and he wouldn't even try if he knows what's good for him.

Finally, check out this classic Bugs Bunny clip and see how sterile cartoons have become in comparison.  You will see guns, hatchets, cannons, razors, a magical electric shaver-snake, and an inter-species same-sex marriage.  Not only that, but you will see Bugs literally toss Elmer's salad.  (Watch this clip while you can because it will get yanked soon, and it's almost impossible to find this whole episode with the original audio--Warner Brothers is vindictive about this one.)

NOTE:  The YouTube video I had posted has been removed due to a copyright claim.

It's official.  I hate change.

If you love danger, violence, potential stabbings, fire and comedy, then come on out the BNW in Uptown Minneapolis tonight to see The Danger committee's The Danger Show.  Tickets are $8 plus taxes and fees, and the show starts at 10:45 pm.  You can get show/ticket info and make reservations here.  Also, the bar will be open beforehand, and I might be perfroming in the BNW improv set that starts at 9:45 beforehand--which is FREE!  Come in early and check it out, then stick around for two great chows for less than the price of a movie ticket!  I'll see you there.