N. Korean Nukes Aimed at Kate of Jon and Kate Plus 8

"We will cauterize the shrewish American Baby-Faucet in the fires of justice!"Tuesday, Kim Jong Il officially confirmed that the North Korean nuclear weapons and ballistic missile programs had been specifically initiated in an attempt to rid the world of Kate Gosselin, relentless harpy and star of Jon and Kate Plus 8. 

"It is no coincidence that our public display of power directly coincides with the TLC Jon and Kate Plus 8 Memorial Day Weekend Marathon and the new season premiere," bellowed the dictator to representatives from world media organizations, "and we will continue our programs as long as her crimes against humanity continue."  This aggressive statement came on the heels of North Korea's largest nuclear test to date as well as ballistic missile launches that demonstrate the country's ability to strike long range targets.

Gosselin, the single, global source of all evil.

"She is a hate-encrusted gorgon with an offensively prolific uterus.  Her reign of terror over the oppressed Asain martyr, Jon, must be stopped," added Kim.  "Seriously, I hope he is cheating on her."  Many believe the dictator's anger with the reality TV star began when she unveiled the only hairstyle in the world more ridiculous than his.

The U.N. Security Council was slow to condemn the tests, citing "compelling arguments" from Kim.  The U.N. has been under pressure for quite some time to undertake action against Mrs. Gosselin, who has been breeding an unholy army of henpecked rage using fertility drugs, a misplaced sense of self-importance, and the unwillingly harvested sperm of a man who settled.  Recent tabloid headlines involving the embattled "celebrity" couple have upped the ante in the ongoing cycle of military posturing, and this week's display from the North Korean government has set the table for a political showdown with the fledgling Obama administration.

The decision over whether or not to allow Gosselin's thermonuclear destruction has left President Obama puzzled."We understand North Korea's concerns," stated a characteristically calm, cool and collected President Obama, "But we disagree with his methods in dealing with them.  We believe that Mrs. Gosselin should not be dealt with through thermonuclear aggression, but rather should be left to be punished in this putrid hell of her own making.  I mean, seriously.  Have you seen this woman?  Kate Gosselin's punishment is being Kate Gosselin."  Sources from inside the Obama administration say that Gosselin actually represents an unprecedented opportunity, as she is universally reviled to the point of being a uniting fKate demonstrates the practice of her species, devouring the head of her mate when the requisite number of spawn have been littered.actor for disparate factions of the American society and the world as a whole.  On the condition of anonymity, a State Department official stated, "She's our 9/11."

These conditions have raised new fears that in an attempt to court favor with the viewing public, Gosselin will once again initiate babies pouring forth from her birth canal like soldiers from the landing boats at Normandy.  When asked about this possibility, Jon Gosselin replied, "She's on her own this time, but, knowing her, she'll find a way.  She always finds a way..."  The addled, dead-eyed octo-father then drank surreptitiously from a concealed flask and looked wistfully at a picture of himself from twelve years ago.

"Our people will not rest until the prophecy of North Korean mathemagicians has been made complete:  (Jon and Kate + 8)-1=Happiness."  Continued Kim, "Our rockets will rain fiery vengeance.  She will learn the sting of our sky-phalluses, and our people will no longer live in fear of the uber-uterus."

Update on Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 10:56PM by Caleb McEwen

I would like to point out that I hated this woman years before it was fashionable.  It is the only time in my life that I have been a trendsetter.