Credit Card Bill Expands Gun Rights

Sweet.  Merciful.  Crap.  Only in America would a bill designed to regulate the practices of the credit card industry have an amendment added that allows concealed, loaded firearms to be carried in national parks.  Is it any wonder that our legislative branches can't get anything done?

Now before we go any further, let me clarify by saying that I am not against gun rights--quite the contrary.  While I do not own a gun and certainly feel no need to carry a concealed weapon in order to enjoy Old Faithful, I believe that gun rights are protected by the second amendment and should be respected.  Similarly, I support the first amendment, even as it applies to complete and utter morons who have nothing of value to offer with their comments or ideas.  By holding these views, I infuriate both liberal Democrats and conservative Republicans. 

The point is, freedom is often inconvenient and requires constant vigilance as its downside, but I believe that downside is worth it.

No, the reason I'm infuriated is because of the ludicrous nature of our legislative system as it applies to this situation.  Let's take a look at how something like this comes to pass...

1.  Republican Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma decides that no family vacation is complete unless someone is packing heat, and he decides to explicitly define that fact in legal terms.

Obviously, at some point on a Cub Scout camping trip Coburn was molested by a Sasquatch.  After being made a love-slave by the missing link--all the more irksome for a conservative whom I'm willing to bet believes in creationism--the experience festered deep in his psyche for decades.  Then, at the least appropriate time anyone could possibly imagine, he decided to lash out at his hirsute oppressor.

2.  Coburn realizes that there is no way this measure would pass as a bill of its own, so he flies a kite in a lightning storm and fires up the generator to create Frankenbill.

How do you get a Democratically controlled Senate to vote for a bill allowing sunburned, drunken tourists to wander aimlessly into the woods strapped?  Simple.  Attach it to a bill specifically designed to pander to the lowest common denominator during a time when they have to pass something so people will stop paying attention to the stare of stark terror emanating from Nancy Pelosi's large, lemur-like eyes.  The rest takes care of itself.

3.  After the most random tack-on in recent memory gets thrown up for a vote, people actually vote for it.

Wow.  Just...wow.  I realize that in some ways legislators hands were tied on this one, but come on.  Now, in one fell swoop, we have empowered the people too stupid to read the fine print on their own credit card agreements to use their newfound spending power to purchase firearms and conceal them when they visit our nation's most beautiful settings.  Take only pictures, leave only chalk outlines.

And let's be clear here when we point out that it wasn't enough to simply allow firearms into national parks unless a specific state law prevents it, but we must also allow those firearms to be concealed--because when you're attacked by a squirrel, the most effective weapon...is the element of surprise. 

What gets me about this whole thing is not that it happened, but rather that when our nation is teetering on the edge, THIS IS WHAT WE'RE MOST CONCERNED ABOUT?  The NRA must have naked pictures of every Republican in Washington...and Miss California.

When Ronald Reagan ran for president, he ran on a very basic premise.  He asked America, "Are you better off now than you were four years ago?  I'll ask you a similar question.  A republican from Oklahoma just made sure that Cleetus could shove a Glock in his drawers when he camps next to you and your kids at Yosemite.  Do you feel safer today than you did yesterday? 

Undoubtedly, some people answered yes to that question.

How to Make Love Like a Minnesotan II; Love is in Bloomington plays this weekend at The Brave New Workshop. Show times are Thursday and Friday at 8:00 pm, Saturday at 7:00 and 10:00. Tickets are available here.

Also, the next four Fridays at 10:45 pm, you can see The Danger Committee live at the The Brave New Workshop Theatre. Tickets are available here.

The Danger Committee:  Definite comedy, possible tragedy.