My Solution for the Steroid Scandal

I've said this before, but I'm saying it again: I think professional sports should not only allow steroid use, I think they should make it mandatory. You know why? It's because I'm petty and bitter. If Alex Rodriguez is going to make that much money living my dream, I at least want the satisfaction of knowing his testicles have withered to the size of a craisin. And if I'm going to pay as much as I do to see a baseball or basketball or football game, I want those rich bastards pumped up on every performance enhancing drug known to man. For my money I want hundred yard passes, dunks from half court, and three-hundred mile per hour fastballs.  Why?  Because I've paid to see more than my fair share of really, really, crappy games.

So let's just accept the inevitable and tell pro athletes that they owe it to us to do whatever is necessary to make sure we're entertained.  I want a team of scientists working around the clock to turn the Matt Tolberts of the world into Justin Morneaus.  I want the Mark Madsens of the world juiced until they are hulking, Mormon power forwards of justice.  If there's a way to inject Peyton Manning with Plutonium, I want it done.  I say, "Baseball Fever--Shoot It Up!"

And is anyone else scratching their head wondering how we've heard nothing about steroids in the NFL?  Come on!  The average NFL player would qualify as a light duty truck in Europe.  I've seen linebackers with veins so large I could kayak inside them.  Who are we kidding?  Steroid use is so rampant in the NFL that if I watch more than two games on any given Sunday, I get back acne.

Besides, forcing our athletes to use steroids would have another benefit.  We want the comfort and security of having a chemical imbalance to blame when our sports heroes are done raping and murdering. That's why I'm calling for mandatory steroid use.  By the way, if Major League Baseball ever manage to end steroid use by players, their new slogan "Major League Baseball:  Prepare for Disappointment."