It is a Liquid
Wednesday, January 28, 2009 at 11:20PM
Here are a few things presented in the ever popular "internet list format."
1. There is no more macabre dance of death than the flight attendant safety demonstration. It is somewhat ironic to see this ritual carried out—ostensibly to ensure our survival—whilst the person performing it is obviously praying for either our deaths or theirs. They are marking time, moving forever forward with the cold dead eyes of a shark. This lifeless, despondent series of empty gestures delivered with a silent scream into the void has to be the single most depressing act a human being can participate in besides attending a soccer game.
2. Recently, while waiting in an airport, I heard one of the most hilariously specific announcements ever uttered. I will recount it for you now verbatim:
“Will the owner of a Pierre Cardin bag containing a copy of the book Twilight and using a Tobe Keith concert ticket as a bookmark please return to Security Checkpoint A to claim your lost items.”
I don’t know anything about the teenage girl or self-loathing gay man that owns said bag, but I can assure you that if we met, we would have absolutely nothing to talk about.
3. My son, Isaac, is two years old and obsessed with robots. If he sees a picture of a robot, he excitedly announces it. The other day while walking through a store, he spotted a picture of Hannah Montana. He pointed to her image, looked me dead in the eye and said, "Robot." "You think Miley Cyrus is a robot?" He looked at the picture and nodded his head gravely. "Yeah. Robot," he said.
4. Last night I read Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. Reading an entire novel in one sitting is a weird experience, especially when it is a novel by Palahniuk. There are few writers left in the world who possess truly unusual ideas. Chuck is one of them. I don't know why, but I have had a premonition that one day he and I will square off against each other in a barfight and we will end up stabbing each other with broken beer bottles yet still end up good friends. Since I still don't drink, I will have to make sure that someone I am with is drinking if I want this to happen.
5. In an airport somewhere--I've been in so many they all blur together--a woman tried to take a quart of soup through security. When she was stopped for trying to take a liquid into a restricted area, she exclaimed, "It's not a liquid. It's soup!" She then demanded to see a supervisor, as she was unhappy with her TSA customer experience. The TSA agent explained the restrictions on liquids and gels that everyone else knows about. The woman harumphed, "Well when did all this start?"
6. While in New Orleans last week, everyone who passed me on the street referred to me as "Soldier." Not long ago in Seattle, a guy in a Lowe's asked me if I was a Navy SEAL. After a recent speaking engagement, a man asked about my military background, saying that he believed me to be "officer material." Ever get the feeling that you chose the wrong profession?
Reader Comments (1)
Regarding # 6 - I grew up in New Orleans, and you do remind me of a soldier. You have that look in your eyes. Determination, persistence, a certain seriousness or grimness. Short hair. Actually, in your Danger Committee show, you reminded me very much of my younger brother, who is a Marine Corps veteran of the first Gulf War. He shares your type of sense of humor, and incidentally, he taught me how to throw a knife when we were teenagers. So there you go ; )
I think you didn't miss anything by skipping the military hitch. My brother doesn't like to talk about the war.