CalebMcEwen.com

I have not blogged in a long time. I have been traveling a lot--mostly flying back forth between Seattle and various parts of Florida. As a result, I have been adversely affected by jet lag for the first time in my experience as a traveler.

Throughout my travels, I have encountered a number of very ridiculous things. I will relate them to you now.

1. The woman with disproportionately large fingers...

On one flight I was seated next to the archetypical southern female traveller. She was petite, pretty, and a little too made up. She seemed pleasant enough, but she would one day transform into her true form as a hate encrusted gorgon adept at subtly insulting you while seeming to merely offer you more gravy. At one point I almost offered her a napkin, as she had dropped a plate full of burritos in her lap. But then I realized it was not a plate of burritos--it was the piled flesh of her disproportionately large fingers.

Trust me when I tell you without hyperbole that her index finger lolled like a bloated manatee. The furrows of flesh on her knuckles were deep enough that it would require a sure-footed burro to navigate your way to the bottom. I was forced to contemplate the inescapable vastness of her sausagy digits, as they could surely have throttled a pair of adult water buffalo as easily as I could twist the cap off a liter of Sprite. God help the next person she meets, for their hand will most surely be crushed in a meaty grasp from which not even light can escape.

2. The reader...

In Portland I was in Powell's, the largest independent bookstore in the country. Behind me a woman said, "I'm an avaricious reader."

This woman did not mean to use the word "avaricious." Avaricious means greedy, or desirous of wealth or riches. My theory is she meant to demonstrate that she reads a lot, and she meant to say "avid" or "voracious." However, since her mind was so overwhelmed with the masses of words she had read, she accidentally said both of these words at once, thus yielding "avaricious." I know she wanted to indicate that she read a lot because of the next stupid thing she said.

You see, she went on to say, "I read like there's no tomorrow."

If there were no tomorrow, wouldn't reading be the last thing you would do? You will never hear the phrase, "There's an asteroid streaking towards earth. Looks like it's time for me to polish off Love in the Time of Cholera." You have 24 hours to live, are you really going to choose to do it vicariously? Has Oprah pushed us this far?

3. The trailer...

The trailer for the recent remake of Prom Night begins, "It was a memory she couldn't forget..."

By definition, any memory is something you couldn't forget. That's what a memory is. Whoever went to see this movie deserves whatever bad thing happens to them.

4. The Jazz lost to the Lakers in the Western Conference semi-finals...

I have an irrational hatred of Kobe Bryant. I don't know why. I have hated him since the moment he entered the league. Although the charges were dropped against him in Colorado, I can't help but think that he is somehow responsible for everything from the holocaust to global warming. Again, it's irrational. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. Thus, when he won MVP, I renounced all that is good and holy and devoted my life to the service of evil.

Jerry Sloan, I feel your pain.

5. God has declared war on Asia...

Seriously. Burma. China. What's going on? How do the innocent people of Asia get hit with this kind of thing while Kobe Bryant walks the streets with impunity?

6. Senor Don Loco Loco...

I watched a presumably dangerously insane man dressed in full pimp regalia walking down the street while wildly swinging a wooden picket on the end of a length of rope. I considered calling the police, but I didn't. I'm part of the problem.



There was much more ridiculousness than this, but this is what springs to mind.  We'll talk soon.  Until then, watch out for Kobe Bryant.