CalebMcEwen.com

Note:  I am reposting this after the untimely death of Bernie Mac, though I am dating it to represent when it was originally published.

Def Comedy Jam is back on the air. I'm watching it right now. I didn't have cable when it previously aired. I feel like I missed an entire epoch of comedy history.

They started the episode with a clip from 1991. A young Bernie Mac strode onto the stage. Now I've been a Bernie Mac fan since he was doing bit parts in House Party. This clip reminded me why. He walked up to the microphone as if resented its existence, then he looked the audience over with disdain before saying, "I ain't scared of y'all m***er-f***ers."

I love comedians who can get away with that. That's the type of performer I've always wanted to be. There are comedians who trade on the fact that the audience loves them, and then there are comedians who can survive even if audiences hate them. The audience is actually a little afraid of them. Machiavelli said it is better to be feared than loved, because fear lasts longer. It's a tough, tough, tough way to work, and it takes someone with nerves of steel and one hell of a swagger.

D.L. Hughley was hosting. I introduced him once at Caesars Palace (and it is Caesars, not Caesar's--because at the Palace, everyone's a Caesar) in Vegas. It was about a week after Roy got attacked by the tiger down the strip at The Mirage, and Hughley went after it hard. He didn't care who booed or thought it was "too soon." He genuinely thought that a grown man messing with tigers was messed up, and he was going to talk about it. You knew he didn't care if the audience thought it was funny. You got the impression he didn't even care if he thought it was funny-- it was just something he had to say. It was a truly cool thing to see live and in person.

A couple of nights later at the same event, I was emceeing on property in The Pavilion. Caesars uses The Pavilion for large events like concerts, conventions and boxing matches. LL Cool J was performing. I introduced him and stepped offstage to enjoy the show. I heard the familiar "Aaaaaaah aaaaaaah aaaaaah aaaaaaahs" of Momma Said Knock You Out, and it was awesome to hear the crowd just erupt. The place was going insane. A little while later, I get pulled backstage by some event representatives. They need me to talk to some people. It seems that some representatives from The Mirage had come by to complain about the noise, and I was potentially going to be called upon to make an announcement to quiet down the crowd and LL.

Now let's stop and think about that. Who in their right mind would go out on stage in front of thousands of crazed people--and LL Cool J--and ask them to quiet down? In Las Vegas, no less. Come on! That's Uncle L. He's rippin' up shows. He will explode...and his nine is easy to load.

I'm not going to be that guy. My parents didn't raise a fool.

I decided I was going to reason with the Mirage reps. I asked what the specific problem with the noise is. Was it a guest or management that complained? It turned out it was neither. It was dolphins. You see, Siegrfried and Roy have a zoo at The Mirage, although it's called "Siegrfried and Roy's Secret Garden"--seriously. If you go, I highly recommend renting the earpiece so Siegfried and Roy can give you the guided audio tour. It's worth every penny. Well, in this zoo they have a pool full of dolphins, and apparently LL, as he bashed these beats like a skull, was bothering the poor critters.

I sympathized with the dolphins. I really did. But I was really, really mad at the people from the Mirage. Why? Simple. I shared my anger with them in the form of a question. I asked, "Well, which do you think bothered them more: when LL's music started, or when you took them out of the ocean and moved them to the middle of the desert?"

This was followed by a long pause. "Just try to keep it down," they said. Then they left. Siegfried and Roy could not be reached for comment.

To paraphrase Mr. Mac, "I ain't scared of no dolphin m***er-f***ers."