Ten Year-Old Girls Basketball

I watched my niece play basketball over Thanksgiving. It was a basketball game in the loosest sense of the word. There were baskets and a ball present, but similarities ended there. Here are some simple observations and pieces of advice:

1. If your team of ten year-olds only has one offensive set, there is no need to name it.

Seriously, the point guard can just yell, "Offense!" to remind everyone that they are no longer playing defense. This shouldn't be necessary, but I'm throwing it out there as an option. If this is still insufficient, the point guard can yell out the even more specific, "Let's run the offense!" I'm just saying, if you have one offense, there is no need to delineate which offense you intend to run. I mean, I suppose the point guard could yell out, "Run the offense! Don't just run around randomly, which is pretty much your only other option since we only have the one offensive set." However, if the point guard did yell this, it would give the opposing team ample time to steal the ball, dribble down the court, score, drink some Gatorade, and discuss the collected works of Pablo Neruda--as ten year-old girls often do.

2. If you have only one offensive set, you insist on naming it, and you have any respect at tall for the psychological aspects of competitive sports, you should not name your offense "Hannah Montana."

Trust me. I watched this tragedy unfold. You know something is horribly wrong when your point guard is calling out the offense and the spectators in the stands are laughing hysterically. Why not just name your offense "We're About To Lose" or "France." As an opposing player, I can't think of anything that would instill me with more confidence than knowing that the other team was about to unleash the intricate picks and back cuts of the dreaded Hannah Montana. The only way I could feel more confident would be if I were playing the Timberwolves.

3. If you have a choice between losing 68-6 and losing 68-0, choose the shutout.

The final score in the "game" I watched was 68-6. It would have been better if the other team hadn't scored. Scoring three baskets just reminded them that it was not only possible but expected for both teams to score regularly. If they hadn't scored, the paradigm shift would have been complete and the girls wouldn't have felt so incredibly inadequate. As a result of those six points (and Hannah Montana), some or all of the girls on the losing squad will develop eating disorders.

4. If you're not dribbling, you're not really playing basketball.

No, Hannah Montana was not an incredibly efficient offensive masterwork based on rapid ball movement and executed so flawlessly that the ball never touched the ground. Instead, some of the girls were incapable of touching the ball without traveling or double dribbling. Eventually, the ref just gave up on calling it. It was very, very sad. It was also very, very frustrating.

5. Every time you squeal on the basketball court in a register that only dolphins can hear, Red Auerbach wakes up in his coffin, cries, then dies again.

I shouldn't have to explain this one.

68-6. Rest in peace, Red. Be glad you missed this one.