The Slaughter of all Cattle

At what point did the standard size for a burger balloon from a quarter pound to roughly a metric ton? I enjoy a good burger, but if the act of eating said burger requires an eternity, the enjoyment is diminished by the absence of other experiences to compare it to.

I ate lunch earlier today at a restaurant where the burger special started at a half a pound and went up from there. That is a ludicrous amount of food. I am not a dieter or health fanatic, but I do own a colon and I have a vested interest in its continued operation. I spend most of my day sitting in front of a computer screen, and only part of my day carrying out top-secret and morally ambiguous missions for a shadowy and militant splinter faction of the Roman Catholic Church and eBay. I do not engage in enough physical activity to justify my eating an entire animal. If you are reading this blog, chances are you are in the same boat. The only time you should gorge yourself on that much meat is if you have killed the animal yourself--not by shooting it or stabbing it or bludgeoning it with a pneumatic hammer, but by running it down and taking it out bare-fisted in Marquess of Queensberry rules boxing match.

It should be noted that I have nothing against eating cows, I just have no desire to eat all of them at once.

There is no doubt a correlation between the outsourcing of American jobs to India and and the Indians' refusal to eat beef. We send them our jobs, they send us their cows. They're hitting us where we live. It is a simple yet ingenious plan. They will lower their labor costs by not using a workforce that is not constantly teetering on the brink of a cardiac event due to meat-gorging. Brilliant. Now if they just figure out what to do about Pakistan, they're set.

I'm not blaming anyone in particular for this current trend, but I'm blaming Fuddrucker's. They figured if they just came up with a hilarious enough name, no one would notice that they're bringing us down from within our own digestive systems. Any organization that offers cheese on tap is not to be trusted. I'm going to repeat that because it bears repeating...they offer cheese on tap! Their facilities actually have a cheese faucet. They have plumbing dedicated to the dispensing of heated, viscous dairy products. The good news is that this type of thing typically indicates a society at the peak of its success. The bad news is that this type of thing typically indicates a society at the peak of its success. It's all downhill from here.

I asked if it was possible to get a smaller version of the burger special. It was. Thank goodness. Meat coma averted. I expect a Christmas card from my colon.