Everyone Goes South Every Now and Then

I recently went home to Missouri for the better part of a week, thus completely dispelling the notion that one can never go home again. Whomever came up with this adage--and numerous attempts to discover who have yielded no definitive answer--obviously wasn't putting much effort into it. I did it on the first try. I didn't even really try that hard, and there I was...home.

On our way there we stopped outside of Altoona, Iowa to spend the night, as travelling with a toddler has its limits. We stayed at a small motel outside of an old amusement park. We can only assume that the amusement park was haunted--either that or it was simply a scam being perpetrated by old Mr. Withers. There is something very unsettling about looking out of your window and seeing the looming silhouette of a poorly maintained roller coaster rising into the night. In the morning, the roller coaster stilled looked scary, but for completely different reasons.

While in Missouri, a number of interesting things happened to or near me.

- A man in Wal-Mart who "wasn't quite right" informed me that I looked exactly like John Cena, WWE Heavyweight Champion and star of The Marine. I ran into him several more times while shopping, and every time he would greet me by loudly chanting, "CENA! CENA! CENA!"

- I bought a gallon of milk while at the Wal-Mart. Most milk you buy in Missouri comes from Central Dairy, and is "fresh as a Missouri morning" according to their literature. It is also homogenized. You know this because the top of every cap on every gallon jug is emblazoned with the phrase "HOMO MILK." If you didn't giggle a little bit when you found that out, then you were never twelve years old.

- Missouri defeated Nebraska 41-6. This is not surprising, as the Missouri mascot is the tiger, and the Nebraska mascot is the...cornhusker. A tiger would easily defeat a...cornhusker. A tiger has claws, sharp teeth and a devastating blend of agility and strength. A cornhusker has...calluses...from cornhusking.

- For a brief moment, a catfish threatened to eat my son Isaac's toe. Isaac stared him down and all was well.

- I finally saw the latest Harry Potter movie. It was a movie that was essentially all middle.

- For reasons I cannot understand or explain, Isaac decided that my parents' barbecue grill was his mortal enemy, and it had to be destroyed. He took every opportunity to attack it like a tiny Spartan. He beat it senseless with all manner of implements. He was relentless. He would wake up in the morning and go to the back door, begging to go outside so he could renew the merciless onslaught. He punished it like he caught it breaking into his house.

- I saw a lot of Amish people. Most of them waved at me. None of them chanted "CENA! CENA CENA!"

- Isaac crushed my finger with a stone duck. It would have been more impressive if he crushed it with a real duck, but it's still pretty interesting.

- I saw a television commercial for a drug that treats RLS, or restless leg syndrome. One of the possible side effects was--get this--an uncontrollable urge to gamble. Let's stop and think about this for a moment. It's just so random. A drug that makes your legs relax could also, coincidentally, make you wager. Apparently leg relaxation and doubling down are controlled by the same synapse sequence in the brain--just like colon purging and summarizing the works of English author P.G. Wodehouse.


I'll be going back to Missouri over the holidays. I hope Cena Guy remembers me.