It's a Win Win
Thursday, January 25, 2007 at 10:54PM From time to time, I am confronted with nonsense in the midst of the madness. This morning the headline on the Minneapolis Star Tribune read, "Puppy Killer Agrees to Life Without Pets." It seems that by definition, that's what he wanted. That's like sentencing a rapist to be a Girl Scout Troop Leader.
Actually it's not really like that at all. That's not a good analogy. It would slip by a cursory examination, and that's precisely what I'm counting on. I have no idea what I meant by that previous entry. I kind of went for shock and hoped the rest would just work itself out. I was relying on the initial blitzkrieg of offensive imagery--or the near universal hatred of Girl Scouts--to distract the reader from a shaky premise.
You see, it's at this point in the rehearsal process when I start to question everything I do. I might be getting too old to do this. I mean, I'm closer to forty than I am to twenty. I have a baby now. I own real estate in Saint Paul. These are all classic precursors to losing one's edge. Sketch comedy is a young man's game. I know this because there are so many young men I have to keep killing in order to maintain my position. I'm a lazy writer and a lackadaisical comedian at best. That's why I've maintained my status through treachery and brutal violence. Somewhere, right now, there are sketch comedians hiding in the attic of a factory just praying I don't find the door behind the bookcase.
I had a discussion on my way to work today involving Sunni versus Shiite doctrine. There was absolutely nothing funny about it. What does that say about me as a comedian?
The signs of my demise are everywhere. I cannot make my son laugh, but he thinks the dog is hysterical. Granted, my dog does have the built in comedic advantage of looking like a mobile ottoman due to generations of selective inbreeding by Welsh herders, but I've overcome my genetic deficiencies before--I'm Scottish-German, by the way, which means I'm unaffected by heat, cold or cries for mercy.
You should come see the show. It has special effects.