Things I Learned by Watching the Golden Globes

I watched my first awards show in a long time tonight. Here is what I learned.

1. What film makers and TV producers do is reeeeeeeeeeaaaaally important. It means soooooooooooo much. They truuuuuuuuuuuuuly change lives. Actors are more essential to human existence than doctors, nuns or oxygen. They're the ones saying thank you, but it should really be us thanking them. That's how much they mean.

2. Charlie Sheen was apparently unaware that he was going to be announcing nominees at an awards show and was forced to borrow a suit at the last minute from someone who is four sizes larger than him. Either that, or he snorted enough cocaine throughout the course of the evening to erode 25% of his body weight.

3. Even as he was giving his speech to accept the lifetime achievement award, and with his wife watching, Warren Beatty was still trying to score with chicks in the audience.

4. At some point backstage, Phillip Seymour Hoffman did something illegal. As police pursued him, he was forced to disguise himself by cutting off and wearing Wilford Brimley's face. If you don't believe me, search for pictures tomorrow. You can almost see the oatmeal dribbling out of the corner of his mouth.

5. There is an acting war going on, and the British are winning. If the the Revolutionary War had been fought with soliloquies instead of muskets, we'd all think Hugh Grant is much more charming than he actually is. In addition, the Brits give infinitely better acceptance speeches than their American counterparts.

6. If a black person is on stage speaking, cameramen are legally obligated to do everything in their power to show every other black person in the building.

7. There is a special corner of hell set aside for the writers who try to make award presenters funny. May all such writers burn until the mountains wear to canyons and the oceans drink themselves.

8. Cameron Diaz could swallow her own head. She's got that Avery Johson Muppet-mouth thing going on where her head actually splits in half when she laughs. I think she can unhinge her jaw like an anaconda. When they came back from the commercial break, I saw her swallow a goat--which she immediately vomited back up so she could still fit into her dress.

9. Ugly Betty is apparently a beacon of hope for young women everywhere. Leave it to Salma Hayek to give girls an attainable image of beauty. Oh, wait--all she's really doing is balancing out the unrealistic expectations she's already set up with those nude scenes she did in Desperado. Sorry, Salma. You just brought the gauge back up to zero.

10. Clint Eastwood could kick my ass.

11. If you want your movie to win awards, just put Helen Mirren in it. The rest takes care of itself.

12. No, seriously. Hollywood is reeeeeeeeeeaaaaally important.


I hope you learned something as well.