CalebMcEwen.com

On August 2nd at about 12:30 in the afternoon, Katy and I had our first child. More specifically, Katy had our first child and I was present. To be even more specific, a nurse jumped in the air and performed an Atomic Elbow Drop on my wife's sternum, and our child popped out of Katy's Caesarian incision like a Muppet--a slimy, blue Muppet.

His name is Isaac. He was 7 pounds 8 ounces and 20.5 inches long at birth, but they have told us he will grow if we feed him. We have been very attentive to his needs, but so far I feel as if he isn't really putting any effort into the relationship.

Here are some things that surprised me about the actual event:

1. During labor and delivery, Katy vomited roughly 9000 percent more than I expected her to.

I'll break it down...

Number of times I expected Katy to vomit: 0

Actual number of times Katy vomited: 900

This is made even more impressive when you realize that she didn't have anything to eat for over 24 hours. My operating theory is that her body began to digest itself to give her more vomit-fodder. Keep your eye on this blog, as she may now need a kidney or, perhaps, a leg. We will also be posting on Craig's List, but we will only deal locally.

2. I did not expect a nurse to call me "Chad" for eight hours straight.

For those of you who don't know me, this is because my name is not "Chad". My name is Caleb. It was clearly indicated by a sign on the wall in our room. I eventually disassociated and learned to accept the Chad. It felt dirty.

3. I did not expect my son to attempt to come out sideways.

But he did.

4. I did not expect to see a doctor and a nurse pour two gallons of water into my wife's abdomen without spilling a drop.

But they did.

This was after the baby had been delivered and before they closed the incision. Katy was lying on her back with a screen between her and the doctors. When she finished vomiting for the 875th time, she looked at me and asked, "Is it weird?" as I could see what was going on. "Yes," I replied as the pouring began, "and it just got weirder." I explained to her what I meant about 24 hours later.

5. I didn't expect Isaac to be able to do enough pull-ups to qualify for the Presidential Physical Fitness Award within a day of birth.

He has a bone crushing grip, provided the bones he is gripping are very tiny. He also pulls himself around and climbs, albeit currently without purpose. Someday he will experience a life-altering event which will bring these gifts into focus. Then, he will be Batman.



I promise this blog will not become entirely about fatherhood, as I am far too shallow to allow that to happen. However, I've had many messages asking me for info, so I thought I would post this.