Pirates of the Exposition

WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Read at your own peril.

My advice if you're going to see Pirates of the Caribbean is to turn it into a drinking game. Here are the rules:

1. Take a drink every time someone stops the movie dead in its tracks in order to explain something.

Unless you're Ernest Hemingway, you'll be in a coma long before the final credits role. Contrary to what the previews may have intimated, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom are not battling sea monsters or the British Navy, they're battling a story so complicated it requires an appendix. In most action adventure movies, minor characters are introduced in order to be killed off. In this film, they are introduced so they can explain what the hell is going on. I can honestly say that in one single movie, several other movies' worth of plots are explained. Now I'm not saying the story is too complex to follow--after all, this is a movie based on a theme park ride. It's just that most of the pertinent action seems to have taken place before this movie begins--or perhaps it will take place after it ends.

2. Every time the movie strangely starts to resemble The Empire Strikes Back, take a drink.

This is an observation someone else made before I saw the film, and it's dead on. Imagine Yoda as a black woman, and you've got an idea of what to expect in yet another of this movie's thrilling explanation sequences. Imagine Darth Vader being kept alive by a disfiguring starfish instead of a black helmet, and you'll have a good idea of what to expect in the "which soul is truly being redeemed" section of the film. Imagine the block of carbonite being replaced by a giant, onscreen manifestation of the South American Mundurucu tribe's irrational vagina dentata phobia, and you've got a good idea of the end of the film. I kept waiting to see Billy Dee Williams--or for someone to shove Keira Knightley in a Taun-taun. I'm fairly certain that at one point, I heard Johnny Depp whisper, "May the force be with you..." However, he whispered it in an extremely effeminate, man-pretty kind of way.

3. Every time you wish Orlando Bloom had a bow and arrow, do a shot.

There were many scenes of slow, dire exposition that could have used a good hail of arrows. Also, I am of the mind that any movie can be improved by a good hail of arrows--with the exception of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, which roundly sucked despite a carnival of archery.

4. Every time Bill Nighy (Davey Jones) does a bizarre, affected mannerism that's exactly the same as a bizarre, affected mannerism he did as the vampire leader in Underworld, drink.

I love Bill Nighy. The movie should be all about Bill Nighy in all his octo-faced glory. Also, I wish he had killed Kate Beckinsale in Underworld. That would have been awesome, and it might have prevented her from doing Van Helsing.

5. Every time you confuse Davey Jones' crew with the cast of Cirque de Soleil's Allegria, drink.

Dude, seriously. They were a few feathers and sequins away from opening at Treasure Island in Vegas.

6. Every time you are afraid that because of her underbite, Keira Knightley is accidentally going to swallow her own face, chug-a-lug.

Be prepared to chug more than you would expect. Her chin extends so far in front of her face and tapers to such a fine point that I'm fairly certain she can change channels without a remote. Seriously, she could dial a touch tone phone from across the room. I'm not saying she's not beautiful, I'm just saying that if you're going to lean in close to kiss her, be careful you aren't impaled. She's all ethereal wispiness punctuated by sharp protrusions--like a fairy hedgehog. She is a chinoceros.

7. Every time you become incredibly pissed because you suddenly realize that you haven't actually seen a movie, but rather the first half of a movie that you can see the end of for another $9, do three shots in rapid succession.

Be prepared to do three shots in rapid succession.

Follow these simple rules, and you will enjoy Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest on a level that few could possibly appreciate. Also, be prepared to vomit up your own liver.