Party Predator

The title of this post sounds much worse than it should.  Stick with me on this one.

I went to a party over the weekend. For those of you who know me, this is an unusual occurrence. I am not a "party" kind of guy in much the same way I am not an "omelette full of nails" kind of guy.

It's not that I'm uncomfortable at parties. I am perfectly comfortable. However, I believe there is a finite amount of comfort in any given room, and apparently I suck all the comfort up for my own purposes leaving none available for anyone else. I can turn a kitchen into a black hole from which not even con queso can escape.

It always amazes me that hosts of parties seem to care less about whether or not you are actually having a good time and more about where you are having a good time. If you and your friends are congregated in the kitchen, the host will invariably walk into the middle of the group and nervously say, "You know, there's plenty of space in the living room." Move to the living room and they'll offer, "Hey guys, the family room is cooler." Move to the family room and you get, "Hey everybody, there's a two foot by three foot crawlspace in the basement behind the boiler that is really conducive to conversation."

Apparently, my being in a living space immediately disrupts the feng shui to a point that requires immediate evacuation. As a result, no matter where I am standing, the host of any gathering will require all other living things to vacate that area as soon as possible. It's like I'm Godzilla, only instead of trying to teach Tokyo a valuable lesson about the perils of nuclear power, I just want to be close to the salsa.

In the future, I would like to develop a cloaking device for use at parties. I'd be like a Predator monster, only I would not be stupid enough to fall for the old "giant hanging log" trick.. I would activate my cloaking device whenever the host walked into the room, and then they would say something like, "Excellent! Everyone seems to be having a good time, and the whole vibe of the place hasn't been ruined by Caleb. Everyone enjoy yourselves and continue standing there next to that blur that I've never noticed before." Then they would go on about their business, and I would not kill them unless they were carrying a weapon of some sort, as this would make it more "sporting."