Pixar's Cars

This afternoon, I saw Cars.

I liked it better when I saw it the first time, and it was called Doc Hollywood.

If you've seen Doc Hollywood, you know that it's about Michael J. Fox wrecking his car in a small town on his way to a glitzy job in California and being forced to perform community service until he eventually falls in love with the place. The new Pixar film is exactly the same, only Michael J. Fox is the car (and he's played by Owen Wilson).

I have never been in a theatre at a children's movie where so many children wanted to leave so desperately--although I never saw Fantasia. Why did the kids want to leave? I'll tell you. If you asked a kid what they wanted in a movie, I guarantee you they wouldn't say, "An unnecessary romantic sub plot, extensive commentary on the death of small town America as a result of the federally mandated interstate highway system, and Randy Newman." In fact, I'm willing to bet that they wouldn't say any of those things--but Cars has all of them in spades.

If you like Larry the Cable Guy, NASCAR, and automotive puns, this is the movie for you.

If you dislike plots that are easily predicted, beginnings and endings of stories that have nothing to do with the middle, and bleached out animation of a nightmarish Georgia O'Keefe landscape, then run, run, RUN! Dear God, why aren't you running! Run, you bastard! Run and don't look back! For the love of--Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Let go! Let go! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Aarrrggghhh! AH! (Pant. Pant.) Aaaaaaahhhh! No! (Pant. Pant. Gulp.) Please, no! Please! I'll do anything. Just let me--Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Why?! WHY?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! It hurts so much! Why does it hurt so much?! Aaaaaaaaaaaa--what are you still doing here? Run! Run! RUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!! Forget about me! It's too late! You're going to survive this, godammit! And I--(Pant. Pant. Puke. Puuuuuuuuuuke! Pant. Pant. Gulp.) You listen to me...you listen...listen to me...run...don't look back...do you hear me? Look at me! Stop crying! Look at me! Run...run...run...RU--AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

You're going to go see it anyway, so there's probably no point in this. Critics will applaud it because it's Pixar. Parents will take their children to see it because it's not The Omen. Larry the Cable Guy will continue to get rich by collecting fat paychecks and using the money to have his tailor remove his sleeves. The wheels on the bus go round and round...

So, enjoy a workmanlike parable about a post-apocalyptic earth where cars have slain their human masters.