Moments of Rage

Stick with me on this one.

For those of you who have seen the current Brave New Workshop production, See Dick Shoot (and Other Signs of the Apocalypse), you know there is a section that I improvise each night based on a subject the audience finds infuriating. The section is called Moment of Rage. I get the suggestion for the topic at the beginning of the show. I ask the audience to simply shout out something that has been pissing them off, and whatever I get ends up being the subject for the piece later in the performance.

While it is easy to find people who are angry, I have been shocked at how difficult it is to find anyone--even in a large group of people--who is able to articulate why they are angry. "Bush!" is a frequent response to my query. However, when I ask the person offering this response to name something specific that Bush has done or is doing that makes them so angry, I am met with dumbfounded silence--or, the ever popular, "He sucks!"

Americans are an irrationally angry bunch. I'm not saying you shouldn't be mad at the President, I'm just saying that you should be able to explain why. You should be able to offer a reason, and, perhaps more importantly, you should be able to offer a solution that would make less enraged. Otherwise, you probably shouldn't so angry.

Beyond people being angry for legitimate reasons they simply can't put into words, there are also a large number of people who are angry for reasons that are just plain lame. Seriously, if some of the sources of rage people have proffered were horses, I would shoot them to put them out of their misery. Here are some of the responses I have gotten, followed by some brief commentary by yours truly...

Gas Prices! The government should lower them!

Please, for your own good and the good of those around you, stop breathing. What blows my mind when I hear this one--and I hear it a lot--is that it always comes from the most granola-laden of microbus dwelling liberals. These are the same people who will complain that their freedoms of speech and expression are being threatened. They'll complain about the invasion of their privacy and the encroachment of the government on their lives. Yet, they seem to have no problem with the government interfering in the most basic of American ideals, the free market.

Let's say one of these people had a business where they sold, oh, I don't know...glass pipes, and people were paying high prices for these pipes. Now let's say the government intervened and said that the pipes had to be sold for a lower price, even though people were willing to pay the high prices. Our odor-challenged friends at the glass pipe store would freak out. They would blog mercilessly.

And never mind the fact that a gallon of gas is still cheaper in the U.S. than it is just about anywhere else in the world. Hell, when I was in London last summer, it was over $7 a gallon! Lord only knows what it costs now. The cost of driving a car in Europe must rival NASA's annual budget.

And never mind the fact that gas still costs less than gallons of other liquids--like orange juice, floor cleaner, or water.

And never mind that for us to get gas, dinosaurs died hundreds of millions of years ago, were compressed under sediment by unbelievable geological pressure, slowly converted their carbon structure to crude oil which was then collected by placing floating cities on the ocean that drilled miles below the ocean floor, pumped the oil out of the earth's crust, loaded it into giant ships that circumnavigate the globe under the command of alcoholic captains to take the oil to refineries that convert it into gasoline which is then put in tanker trucks driven by fans of Blue Collar Comedy who transport the gas and place it in underground tanks with specially designed pumping stations where we can insert our Speedy Rewards cards and receive free Mr. Pibb just for filling up our cars, and it still only costs $3 a gallon! Milk costs more than that, and all you have to do to get milk is suck on a cow.

Next.

Davy Jones!

Me: You're pissed off about Davy Jones? The Monkee?

Her: Yeah, man!

Me: That's an amazing combination of the trivial and the out of date. Is this because of something that happened recently, or has this deep-seated hatred of a 1960's Beatles-parody just been festering?

Her: I just saw The Brady Bunch Movie.

Me: (Pause.) You realize that while that movie is more recent than the 1960's television show, it's still over ten years old. Are you somehow living out of phase with history? Everything that upsets you happened more than a decade ago.

Her: He just pisses me off, how he just sat there.

I wish I was making this up. This one doesn't deserve a response, I just felt I had to share.

My husband!

Me: And you've chosen to work out this issue in your marriage in front of two hundred strangers? This is your forum?

Her: Hahahahahaha!

Me: What about your husband is making you so upset?

Her: He's not here.

Me: Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe your public announcements of your dissatisfaction with your spouse might be the reason he is loathe to join you? I'm not trying to Dr. Phil you here, I'm just saying... (Silence.) Is there something specific he does that is upsetting you? (Silence.) What does he do for a living?

Her: (Angrily.) He sells paint!

Ah, yes. His great crime against humanity was beautifying the exteriors of homes across our fair city. Benjamin Moore must be rolling over in his semi-glossy grave. How dare this bastard increase property values while providing financial stability to his family! He will burn in hell for what he has done! He's the Hitler of home improvement.

Ornamental cabbages!

Me: Okay...is there something specific about ornamental cabbages that upsets you?

Her: They just sit there.

(Like Davy Jones, apparently.)

Me: That would usually be cited as a reason to not be angry at them.

Her: There's just no reason for them.

Me: So your issue is that in this form of cabbage, functionality has been sacrificed for aesthetics?

Her: (Long pause.) Yeah.

I got this one on Memorial day weekend.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW EASY WE HAVE IT IN AMERICA WHEN THE THING THAT UPSETS YOU MOST IS THE LACK OF FUNCTIONALITY IN ORNAMENTAL CABBAGES?!!!

I realize that ornamental cabbages are committing genocide in Central Africa, monitoring our phone conversations, and executive producing Skating With the Stars--oh, wait. They're not doing any of those things. They're VEGETABLES...that you don't have to eat...ornamental vegetables.

Sure, when people plant a row of them in their yard, it looks like they're harvesting a crop of brains, but come on!

Do you know what people in other countries would give to have this as a problem? Do you think the four year-old making Nikes in Indonesia is saying, "Sure they'll break my thumbs if I don't make 100 pairs today, but at least I don't have to deal with those damn ornamental cabbages. I can't believe Americans have to put up with that. They're the real heroes."?

Seriously, as you honored the fallen on Memorial Day, I hope you thanked them for dying to create a country where ornamental cabbages can be the thing that most upsets you.

God bless America.