Okay, Now I'm Angry

Tonight I saw a commercial for a new beer bottle--from Coors I think--that employs "thermal label" technology. The label on the bottle actually contains a layer of insulation to prevent heat transfer from your hand to the beverage. Thus, your beer will stay cold in your hand longer.

I can't wait for this winter when the homeless begin piecing together makeshift, shiny coats out of Coors labels while turning in the bottles for bright, shiny nickels. In the meantime, space shuttles will continue to explode.

Why will they explode? Insulation problems. So that's where the technology went.

I was under the impression that we already had a technological breakthrough to prevent the transfer of heat from your hand to your beverage. It's called a napkin.

I love that Coors got their top minds together and essentially said, "Our beer is always going to suck. It's essentially frosty urine. So, let's stop trying to get blood from a stone--although stone blood would probably taste better and have less of an aftertaste. Actually, Steve, could you get R&D on this whole 'blood from a stone' thing. I think we've got something here. Seriously Steve, get on that. It could be our Red Bull. Anyway, let's see if we can distract people from the problems with our beer with something completely useless. What I'm saying, people, is let's make this insulated label our Iraq."

Think of all the things scientists didn't work on just so your Coors could stay cold just a little bit longer while you explain the intricacies of your offseason fantasy football moves to some fratboy who calls himself "The Todder." Is it any wonder the levees broke? At least K-Fed will have a warmer and more inviting handshake for that otherwise soul-crushing "no seriously, I'm your father" moment he will someday have with his children.

I used to tell people that I've never had a drink for the same reason I've never played golf--I just never started and now it seems expensive. Now I know I was somehow mounting a pro-active protest leading up to this moment.

Again, things in America can't be that bad if this is the problem we've chosen to address. Enjoy a cold one, America...just a little bit longer than you would have a week ago. Coasters be damned! I'm holding on to this bad boy the entire time!

It seems that when it comes to entropy, we finally have a silver bullet solution.