Movies I Would Like to See, Pt. I

I would like to take this opportunity to offer up some ideas for films, as I feel Hollywood has once again impregnated itself incestuously, thus giving us another summer of flipper-limbed, banjo-plucking sequels and remakes straight from the inbred womb of creative Appalachia.

Here are some teaser lines for movies I'd like to see...

1. "In a world where it's illegal to not break the law, justice is a crime that only the most righteous of criminals refuse to commit, and it's up to one autistic figure skater to travel through time and save humanity...by becoming his own niece. Merchant Ivory Productions in association with several previously unknown Wayans brothers bring you a film that shows us what it means to be your own sister's daughter, while learning what it takes to be a man."

2. "When Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider...he died--almost instantaneously. Now, this group of inner city math and science students will learn how the worst field trip ever could become the best thing that ever happened to them. Watch a group of misfits triumph over the loss of a friend through love, understanding, and fractions."

3. "He was a brash, Irish, beat cop reincarnated as a Yorkshire Terrier. He was a robot programmed to be homosexual. Together, they're going to turn the world of competitive sudoku upside down."

4. "What would you do if you could predict the future? Would you make millions of dollars in the stock market? Would you save your fellow man from disaster? Or, would you just get stoned and remember all the things that haven't happened yet?"

5. "Gwyneth Paltrow gives the most shocking performance of her career as a woman who rose to a position of power in Hitler's inner circle by sleeping with a magical, dancing badger. But it all comes crashing down when she discovers that the badger has been dancing...around the truth."