Bob from Accounting isn't that Wacky

Part of my job involves travelling all over the country (and in some cases, the world) and providing entertainment for corporations and privately owned companies. I've met a lot of people from a lot of companies in a lot of different places, and I have discovered one constant: every company has some guy that is "pretty wacky", and they want him involved in the show somehow.

I would like to take this opportunity to explain to the corporations of the world that you are mistaken about this guy. He's not really that wacky. Also, your place of business is not as "wild" and "out of control" as you think. I mean no disrespect, I am simply trying to set the record straight. It would be unfair to think that a corporation or large company could truly understand what "wacky", "wild", "out of control", or "crazy" truly means. The simple fact that your organization has to function in the real world precludes you from hiring the type of people who would widen your paradigm to include the true definitions of the above terms.

In the future, if you find yourself tempted to say, "Bob from Accounting is pretty wacky," ask yourself these questions:

1. Has Bob from Accounting ever illegally traded American dollars on the black market in the former Soviet Bloc? Because I have.

2. Has Bob from Accounting ever been beaten so badly by Austrian police that he bled from his ears? Because my boss has.

3. Has Bob from Accounting ever convinced a multi-billion dollar financial services organization to give him a job that he had ABSOLUTELY NO QUALIFICATIONS FOR? Because I have. Did he then get the same organization to give him $125,000 in two shoe boxes? Because I did.

4. Has Bob from Accounting ever carried an Uzi submachine gun to work and shot rats for the bounty money? Because my friend Jimmy did (before he killed himself).

5. Has Bob from Accounting ever had to explain to the Secret Service why he had eight throwing knives on his person when he was going to be on the same stage as a former U.S. President? Because I have.

6. Has Bob from Accounting ever gotten angry calls from The Church of Scientology? Because I have.

7. Has Bob from Accounting ever awakened with a law enforcement dog standing on his chest? Because I have.

8. Has Bob from Accounting ever seriously believed he and the oceanographer he was with might be killed by a pack of well over 1,000 dolphins? Because I have.

9. Has Bob from Accounting ever danced on stage in front of hundreds of people while ethnic slurs flashed on a screen above his head? Because I have.

10. Has Bob from Accounting ever been in a situation where he had to prove his nationality by spelling his home town for U.S. Border Officials? Because I have.

My guess is that "Bob" hasn't done any of these things. My guess is he probably got labelled as "wacky" when he wore bowling shoes to work on casual Friday. He probably quotes Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He probably does a pretty mean impression of Jack Nicholson. His ties are undoubtedly irreverent. However, I'm pretty much betting that he's never painted one of his coworkers blue while they were sleeping.

Again, I'm not saying that "Bob" isn't "wacky" in comparison to other people he works with, I'm just saying he isn't that wacky on a cosmic scale. Hell, I'm not that wacky on a cosmic scale--I'm just wackier than Bob.

There is a HUGE world out there, Bob. Check it out.