CalebMcEwen.com

For those of you who have missed it, Snipes is wanted for tax fraud and evasion. He allegedly claimed over $12 million in fraudulent refunds and didn't even file a return from 1999-2004. Snipes has been in Namibia, where he was apparently trying to sell babies to other Hollywood celebrities as a means of paying his back taxes. Snipes had previously failed to appear at a hearing regarding his delinquencies. Here are some claims that Snipes is making, and why he is probably retarded.

1. Snipes claims he was not trying to avoid law enforcement officials, he was just filming a movie in Africa.

I'm sure he was filming a movie in Africa, but when you're called to appear in federal court, it's time to cash in your frequent flyer miles. It's not like the IRS just lets these things slide. "Oh. He's not here. Hmmmmm...Well, I guess he's busy. Case dismissed!" The IRS are the ones who brought down Capone, I don't think they're going to let the star of White Men Can't Jump slip through their fingers. In fact, they will doggedly pursue him primarily as retribution for his performance in White Men Can't Jump, which also robbed the American taxpayers of their hard earned money.

Even if he couldn't fly back--like if all the airports in Namibia were snowed in --he could have called. He's on the set of a Hollywood film. People are literally puking up cell phones.

What's he going to do, claim ignorance? Say he hadn't heard that the federal government has been looking for him for months? Please! It's logical to assume that no one is more informed about the goings on in Wesley Snipes life than Wesley Snipes. I was in Maxim magazine's list of the Top Five Least Interested People In The Day To Day Affairs of Wesley Snipes, and I knew.

Diagnosis: Retarded

2. A spokesman claims that Snipes was not avoiding the charges, and that he was always ready to return to the United States.

This is a perfectly plausible argument, except for the tiny fact that he didn't return to the United States. Of course, only the most clever of investigators would pick up on this trivial little contradiction.

Diagnosis: Retarded

3. His lawyer claims that evidence will show that Wesley Snipes was a victim of bad tax advice.

Okay...You make millions of dollars per picture, you're internationally recognized, and your accountant tells you that for five years, you don't even have to file a tax return. If you believe this, you might also believe:

a. You can fly.
b. This Kool-Aid isn't poisonous, everyone else was just really sleepy.
c. We can still be friends.
d. Demolition Man was underrated.

Diagnosis: Retarded

4. Wesley Snipes was in Murder at 1600.

Diagnosis: Retarded

5. After high school, Wesley Snipes formed a travelling puppet troupe called Struttin' Street Stuff.

Too...many...snide...comments. Brain...overloading...with comedic...potential. Must...think...about...leukemia.

Diagnosis: Jungle Fever




Let's face it. Wesley Snipes is retarded. Damn retarded.