CalebMcEwen.com

I am currently in Las Vegas attending the G2E (Global Gaming Expo) with The Danger Committee.  We have a booth on the trade show floor, and we perform in the closing slot of the Variety Stage Showcase tomorrow afternoon.  I am currently enjoying a little down time before heading off to see Penn & Teller at the Rio, so I thought I would post something for the first time since being trapped in New Jersey.  Below are some of my Sin City adventures:

-  I am staying at The Sahara because it is conveniently located on the monorail line just two stops from the Las Vegas Convention Center and because I got a room here for a little over $18 a night.  That is not a typo.  I am staying here for three days for less than $60.  I have had overdue library book fees that have cost me more than a three day stay in this hotel.  There was a time when The Sahara represented the height of class and sophistication in Vegas.  That time has passed.

-  Judging by the stains on the carpet, there have been at least eight brutal murders in my room.  At least two of the victims put up a hell of  fight.  Based on having watched almost two full episodes of Dexter and CSI, I am assuming that the murder weapons included three knives, a 9mm pistol, a Louisville Slugger baseball bats, a well-trained lobster, some sort of Amish threshing device, and--strangely--the bathtub. 

-  The murder involving the 9mm obviously started near the door.  Judging by the forensic evidence I have observed, the victim opened the door to let in a guest.  The guest then quickly shot the victim twice.  The victim crawled away and cowered under the air conditioner.  It was here that the killer then shot the victim two more times, then pistol-whipped the victim repeatedly, then shot the victim eight more times.  After this, the killer reloaded and shot the victim twelve more times.  The killer then danced in the blood and escaped out the window.

-  After escaping out the window, the killer climbed down the side of the building, re-entered through the casino, came back to the room, and shot the victim twelve more times.  Again, I'm just guessing here, but if you saw the patterns, you'd agree.

-  The buffet at The Sahara was specifically designed by culinary masters to make even the most stalwart glutton hate the very idea of food.  Nevertheless, the Rascal-riding slopmongers circling the steam tables like a Shriners parade of low life-expectancy indicate that those culinary masters have failed. 

-  Sirens, the show that takes place in Buccaneer Bay in front of TI (the trendy re-branding of Treasure Island), is a mockery of the very concept of art.  It is not so much an utter failure as it is a testament to what occurs when a committee of people dedicate themselves to creating something purposefully banal for the mass consumption of a theoretical and stereotypical America.  The America has become a self-fulfilling prophecy as result of this committee's dazzling succailure.  (I just made that word up, and I'm going to use it a lot.)

-  The buffet at TI was more artistically valid than Sirens.

-  Everything in Las Vegas is exactly eight miles further away than it looks.

-  Europeans do not care if you are protesting smoking in casinos.  They will continue to smoke, have their pictures taken in front of your protest signs, then contract lung cancer as you're watching just to prove a point.

-  Every single thing in Vegas has been voted the best at whatever it is by somebody.

-  Cirque de Soleil's recorded advertisement on the monorail queries, "When was the last time you believed anything was possible?"  The wording and the delivery ended up making it mean exactly the opposite of what they intended.  I know Cirque is emo, but come on.

-  For being a town predicated on late night partying, there is a lot of stuff here that wusses out and closes at nine.  I'm looking at you, Quizno's.

Hopefully, I will survive the next twenty-four hours.  Then, it's off to the bright lights and pulsing nightlife that is...Colubus, Ohio.  My life is glamorous.